Afraid of the DARK

Have you found yourself woken at 2:00 AM from your peaceful slumber to your child calling out to you or showing up in your bed because they can’t sleep? Maybe you hear them loud and clear at the beginning of night wanting the lights left on and saying they fear the dark?

Let’s start with the fact that these fears are very normal and usually start showing up around the 2-year mark. The reason for this is that our toddler’s minds are maturing, their memory is getting longer, and their imagination continues to develop. They are starting to become more aware through spills, falls, bumps and bruises that there are things that can hurt them. They may have even watched a show or read a book that they perceive as spooky or scary! I’m going to be honest here… Polkaroo from Polka Dot Door terrified me as a child. There was something very creepy about him poking his head up over that wall.

For most toddlers, bedtime is the only time of the day that they’re left alone. Throughout the day they are typically playing with friends, hanging close to their parents, or supervised in some way, shape, or form by a grown-up. Bedtime is also the only time they’re exposed to darkness, so you can see how the two things together could easily cause some anxiety.

As adults, we have had enough experience with the dark to recognize that darkness itself is not dangerous. If anything, bedtime is our escape, time to unwind and what we count down to on those challenging days. Our little ones don’t have the history to draw from to assure them that they are safe and secure after their bedroom light goes out.

So what do we do now?

The first step which is a very important one is to acknowledge and be empathetic to your child’s fears. Now be careful with this because we don’t want to feed into them but dismissing your little one’s fears as irrational or unfounded isn’t all that helpful either. When your child comes to you or mentions fearing the dark, it’s time to put your detective hat on and drill further. By investigating their fears, you are validating their feelings and gaining a better understanding of what they are afraid of. You can do this by asking open ended questions like “What happens in the dark that scares you?”, “what’s the difference between _____ and your room at night?”, “Can you tell me more about what happens when I turn the lights off?” Now depending on your child’s age, you are going to want to simplify the wording, you can roleplay or maybe even use pictures to gather your information. Once we’ve got an idea of what’s driving these fears, coming up with a solution will be that much easier!

When generating solutions, we want to be careful that our solutions aren’t feeding into their fear. For instance, spraying down a room with monster spray or doing entire room checks before bed leads children to believe that there’s a possibility that monsters could be in their room otherwise why would we need to do them? That’s a scary thought and can continue to play into their fears. 

Instead, try exposing your child to the dark through fun activities like hide and go seek, reading books under a blanket or in forts with a dim flashlight (The Usborne book “I'm NOT (very) Afraid of the Dark” is one of my favs!), also shadow puppets against the wall can be a lot of fun! If they fear shadows in their room maybe try playing a guessing game by going into the room, turning the lights off and taking turns guessing what each object/shadow is. Then you can point a flashlight or turn the lights on to see how many you got right. If one of these doesn’t resonate with you, I’m sure you could find tons with a quick google search. Once you have two that you like, present them to your child and let them choose which one.

There are some things you can do with their sleep environment that may help as well. You can consider using a night light but make sure that if you do introduce one, that it’s a warm colour like yellow, orange and red. Blue lights may look soothing, but they stimulate cortisol production, which is the last thing we want at bedtime. Also, blackout blinds can be helpful to block out car lights, streetlamps or other light sources from casting shadows.

This isn’t likely going to be fixed overnight, but staying respectful, calm, and consistent is vital. Once your little one’s fears have been addressed and they’ve learned that the darkness is more fun than frightening, you’ll start seeing more consolidated sleep and less visits in the middle of the night.

I’ll end this blog with one last little tip! As you near bedtime gradually turn down the lights in your house. This is a great way to ease your child into darkness and stimulate their melatonin production, which will help them get to sleep easier.

If you ever have any additional questions or are looking for some further support, know that Mountains of Sleep is here for you! Book your free 15 minute consultation call today