Post-Partum Anxiety and Depression

My name is Amber Brodziak and I am the owner and one of the clinicians at Calgary Therapy Services Inc. I became a mom just over two years ago to a little boy named Chase who really completely changed how I see and think of the world. I’m sure many of you can relate to this.

I have seen many women and couples in my counselling office for post-partum, and I also had a lot of difficulties myself as a new mom, so I feel very passionate about helping new parents.

As I look back, I can see that the entire first year of my son’s life was a blur filled with anxiety and just trying to survive.

Was I officially diagnosed with postpartum anxiety and/or depression? No.

Did any doctor ever talk to me about it or use the language? No, not one (surprisingly).

Do I feel now that I had postpartum anxiety? Yes, for sure.

I was offered more professional support than I have ever been given in my life, but I truly didn’t understand what I was feeling and experiencing was “normal and ok”. I actually thought at times I had made a huge mistake choosing to bring a little one into a world that I wasn’t able to adequately provide for in the way I had imagined. I was really hard on myself and often refused to ask for or accept help.

My hope in you reading this is that you have an understanding of a few things: symptoms, research and ways to cope through postpartum difficulties; but also a tiny bit of relief seeing that you likely are of the majority if you had any sort of feelings of being overwhelmed or if things even felt traumatic at times.

First, let’s go over the research and some of the definitions and symptoms:

Definitions

Post-partum anxiety and depression: Symptoms that occur after the baby is born lasting more than two weeks. Research reports that 10-16% of women experience this.

Peri-partum anxiety and depression: Symptoms that occur while pregnant, and carry on after the baby is born lasting more than two weeks. Research reports that 8-12% of women experience this.

“Baby Blues” - A few days to a week or so of anxiety and depressive symptoms immediately following the birth of the baby. Research reports that 80% of women experience this.

Before we go on to the list of symptoms, I want to say how much I lean and rely on research, but this actually feels gravely low for what I believe most women go through. I actually would bet that over 80% of women experience symptoms for well over two weeks. Symptoms may ebb and flow and increase in intensity, but those numbers appear slightly invalidating. Just my thoughts. 

Signs and Symptoms

• Feeling restless

• Eating a lot more or less than usual

• Withdrawing from family, friends and social contact

• Having little energy

• Having difficulty concentrating or making decisions

• Having physical symptoms like headaches or upset stomach

• Having thoughts that you are a ‘bad’ or ‘terrible’ mother

• Having frightening thoughts including harming yourself and/or the baby

• Extreme worry and obsessive thoughts about something happening to your baby.

• Crying for no apparent reason

• Feeling depressed or extremely sad most of the day

• Feeling very guilty or worthless

• Feeling hopeless

• Feeling the need to control many things

• Feeling overwhelmed

• Not enjoying the baby or not feeling like you are able to connect to the baby

• Not interested in, or able to enjoy activities that you used to enjoy

• Resentful toward some aspects of motherhood: breastfeeding, new routine, changing diapers, lack of sleep, etc.

• Obsessing over certain details, behaviors or ideas

• Increased rigidity or increased extreme flexibility in values, behaviors and daily functioning

• Sleeping a lot more or less than usual

I can check off many of these that I experienced over the course of the first year. I know some of them lasted more than two weeks, and I know some things were occurring that I didn’t even realize because I was in such a blur.

In my role as a therapist, I help clients talk about what they are feeling, rather than focusing on if they meet criteria for a diagnosis or label. The goal is to get you feeling better, feel like you have more healthy control, and creating a path that leads to more joy as a mom and as a person. Our entire identity shifts when we become a mother. The grief and loss related to this are huge.

Here are some recommendations that I have for new moms experiencing any stress or overwhelming feelings at all. Although I am a therapist and I “know” this stuff, I wish that I would have reached out and saw someone on my own at this time. It was really messy for me. What I knew I should do, and what I could do were two very different things. My husband was so supportive, but this was also hard and a big adjustment for him. These recommendations come from a personal and professional place in what helped me as well.

Recommendations

1. Shift Your Expectations

I believe this should start prior to even considering having a baby if you can control that. Do your research, and talk to as many mothers and families as possible, so you go in understanding just how much life is going to change, especially in the first three months. I’m embarrassed to say that I didn’t know a newborn baby eats every 1.5-2 hours for the first few weeks. No one told me that. But I also didn’t ask. Because I didn’t hold a realistic expectation on the baby’s feeding need, I felt completely thrown off and felt so out of control when I couldn’t leave the couch because of nursing constantly.

This is probably the number one strategy that helped me the most. I had to let go of old expectations of myself, my life, my day and let go of so much control. I so desperately wanted to have everything in rhythm so soon. When I shifted my expectations that this wasn’t going to happen, I felt so much better and just was able to take it one day at a time.

2. Acknowledge Grief and Loss

It’s so important for you to be able to feel like you can talk about missing your identity and pieces of your life before the baby. I remember feeling really proud that I felt like I could accomplish so much in a day prior to my son being born. Since he has been born, a large part of my thinking is trying to consider how I will be able to get done what I need. I think it’s hard for moms to admit they miss the freedom, independence, less responsibility, time, sleep, more money…. Should I keep going on? haha

3. Get a Doctor That Cares

Please feel this is permission to change doctors if you are not feeling satisfied, heard, understood or validated. Your baby may have a different family doctor or pediatrician, but YOU need someone in your corner paying attention to what is happening with you. You want a doctor that understands and treats you with the utmost respect and takes you seriously. You want a doctor that understands you as a mother, and knows you outside of motherhood. You want a doctor that looks in your eyes when you talk.

Part of the difficulty is that every waking second is mostly about your baby. However, the feelings you are experiencing and difficulties you are managing are YOURS.

Get honest with your doctor and share details about your mood, your anxiety, your sleep and your nutrition. Also, please don’t wait for things to “get back to normal on their own”.           

I ended up switching doctors very soon after my son was born because every time I went into an appointment, the main nurse that would meet with me first always asked me how much I was eating and exercising. She kept reminding me EVERY TIME, “Just remember, you’re not eating for two anymore”. I left in tears each time and I finally switched after my husband said: “That’s it, you are not going back there anymore”.

4. Plan, Prioritize and Time Block YOUR Sleep Schedule

First of all, this will come to no surprise to you when I say that sleep is one of the foundations of good mental health. In fact, it is King and Queen to a healthy functional living. I know we all know we should get more sleep as new moms, but I want you to really think and plan for how that will be prior to the baby being born.

People will often fleetingly say “Sleep when the baby sleeps”. While this is all good in theory, I found it very hard to put it into practice. I often found myself trying to tidy the house, wanting to shower, having to pump, or I was so anxious, that I just couldn’t fall asleep for a short period that I needed to while my son was sleeping.

One of the recommendations I often give clients is to try to separate and time block the day so both parents are splitting the duties (as much as possible), and you as a new mom can have a longer period of time to rest. If you don’t have a partner in the home with you, family members or friends who are offering to come and help can also help with this at any time of the day.

For example, the mom will be with and take care of the baby from 5:00 pm to midnight. At that time, dad is resting or sleeping.

The next time block is midnight to 5:00 am here mom sleeps. This doesn’t mean that dad doesn’t sleep, but if the baby wakes up then he will be the first point of contact for the baby. If he needs to get mom he will, but we do not need both parents up, and we need to give mom rest.

The next time block is 5:00am-10:00am (or whatever time period work for you), and so on, and so forth. Both parents may be awake during the day or for a time block, but it is planned who will be the first point of contact for the baby. If one spouse has to leave to go to work, this will also be considered, but the goal is to try at least plan some small pockets of time so that mom has the opportunity to rest.

I also suggest that new moms who have help caring for the baby should sometimes sleep or nap in a separate room, if possible. Being away from where they can hear the baby can give them the rest they need, without feeling the pull to intervene or jump in. Many moms will say to me that they worry sleeping away from the baby for certain pockets of time will hurt the attachment or the bond to the baby. Something to consider instead is if you aren’t well emotionally or mentally because of sleep that is likely going to be far more disruptive to the attachment and bond to the baby more so than napping in another room once in a while.

Remember this isn’t forever, and this likely won’t be every single time you sleep or nap. This can be once in a while for you to catch up and get into a deeper more restful sleep.

5. Please Ask for Help + Set Boundaries with Those That Aren’t Helpful.

I know. This is so hard. I didn’t ask for help often. And when people offered, I shut most of it down. I was under the impression that I was the only one who was supposed to care for my son. Even when my husband offered to feed him through a bottle, I made up excuses and organized my day and schedule so he didn’t need to. This was two-fold: I didn’t want to ‘annoy’ my husband which is ridiculous because my husband was wanting to be involved in that bonding so much more. And secondly, I worried that my son would know that I wasn’t there for him in my FULL capacity.

I feel vulnerable sharing this because as a clinician, I’m supposed to know and do all the “right” things. Never in my life was it so clear that what I knew intellectually was not able to be followed through emotionally. Please take the help, and ask for help.

This recommendation changes when people are offering help and suggestions that stress you out or cause you to question your own trust and decision making with your baby and partner. You are allowed to set boundaries and limits on spending time with certain people, sharing certain information etc. If your Aunt Doris thinks that your 5-month-old is too young to be trying avocado, well then I guess your Aunt Doris doesn’t get food updates anymore. It’s not worth putting yourself through having to justify things when you are in vulnerable position of trying to simply figure things out for yourself.

6. Talk About Your Feelings

I feel like this is one of my most important recommendations. Talking about and feeling your feelings means not holding things back. No matter how scary, how irrational, or how uncomfortable it is to share where you are at, you need to say it, write it down, just get it out. If you have tried to share your feelings with someone before and have been met with invalidation, try to resist shutting down and instead work to find someone who will listen.

There are many resources and groups available online for you to talk to. At Calgary Therapy Services we have seen many new moms and parents who are struggling. I encourage you to reach out and call us. We offer all clients a free 30-minute consultation for you to share what’s going on for you, ask anything you want. Myself and my team provide ideas and directions for how we think we could help and what we could do to help you feel better.

For other resources, I would suggest looking online searching what’s offered through your community association, library, or recreation centre. This is a chance to meet moms who are in your area that are close to you.

When you hold back talking about your feelings, your body actually stores stress hormones and hangs onto them. You also create an unhealthy pattern of muted emotional expression, so the less you talk about things the harder it becomes as time goes on. You don’t need to know how to explain things clearly. Just get it out.

Bio

Amber has a Master’s of Social Work degree and has been working as a clinician since 2006.  She has worked with many diverse groups of people in non-profit, government agencies and private settings. She now owns and operates Calgary Therapy Services Inc. with a staff who are highly experienced and committed to serve and meet client needs in the most ethical and professional manner. Amber believes that building relationships in therapy is the most important element and works hard to be transparent, honest and authentic.

Connect with Amber to learn more about Calgary Therapy Service Inc and the types of supports that are offered. Also, check out their Instagram account to stay up to date on their services along with some great educational information.