It’s the morning after a big snowfall and you have just cleaned off your car to go to work. As you merge onto the freeway, you notice the plows haven’t made it to this part of the road yet, and the freeway is a mess! No one can see the lanes, people are everywhere, no one is going at a consistent speed. You grip the steering wheel tightly as you try to navigate your car through the snowy mess. This would be so much easier if you just knew where the lanes were and where you were supposed to be!

Boundaries & Expectations Help Us

Boundaries and expectations are a necessary part of life. We depend on them to help us know what is expected of us, where we should be, what we should do, how we should act… and, where we should drive. They give us a sense of safety because, without boundaries and expectations, things would be chaotic! Much like we need lines on the road, our children need our guidance and support in navigating the world. And benefits of expectations and boundaries are :

Increased independence: for example, being able to complete chores more independently with fewer reminders
Keeps them safe: stranger danger, staying on the sidewalk, not jumping from the top of the play structure
Keeps them healthy: limits around screen time, finding balance with snacks, healthy hygiene habits
Teaches them to cope with uncomfortable feelings: uncomfortable feelings are a part of life, and providing coping strategies and tools to cope helps them to be able to do this more independently later on in life
Shows kids that you care: while children don’t necessarily enjoy rules or boundaries, it shows that you care. Inconsistent or nonexistent limits can be confusing and anxiety-provoking for children. Children want to know that their parents are capable and able to help them stay in control.

Teaching Expectations Can Be Fun

We know, we know…. Boundaries and expectations don’t sound fun. But, they don’t have to be a drag for both parents and children. There are lots of great ways to teach boundaries and expectations, as well as a variety of ways to reinforce them.

Books: When teaching boundaries and expectations, one of the tools we love using is books. You can find a book about almost every expectation you would like to teach: hands are not for hitting, not talking to strangers, saying please and thank you, playing well with your friends, listening in school, helping around the house. There is a story for almost everything, and if you can’t find the story you like… make it up and write it yourself! (We like to call these social stories!) With a blank PowerPoint, Google Image search, and a simple storyline you soon have a story in minutes.

Through Play: Another great way to teach boundaries and expectations is through play. You can use different toys like dolls, Lego figurines, GI Joes (really whatever the cool toys are that kids are into these days…) This kind of play would be guided by you, but the idea would be to practice the language around a new expectation. This is great for trying to teach expectations around social skills, like being a kind friend, playing with others, apologizing, etc. Toys can make it more playful and make a child feel less like they are ‘learning’.

Role-playing: If there is a particular skill or routine your child is having a hard time mastering, you can role play and support them in learning the new expectation. You can take turns playing different ‘characters’ in the scenario so that your child gets the chance to see how the language sounds, you can model the expectation for them, and they also get to practice in a relaxed environment with no time crunch or external expectations. Role-playing is another way to make learning ‘fun’, hands-on, and less stressful for your child.

Pre-teaching: Pre-teaching is the key to success. If you let children know what you expect before you expect it, they know more about the expectation, the context, the wording, and what they should do. For example, “okay here we are at the grocery store! When we get out of the van, you are going to hold my hand in the parking lot and use walking feet. When we get to the door you can either get in the cart or help me push the cart!” Letting your child know what the plan is, and what the expectations are, can help transition and routines to go a lot more smoothly. The heads-up makes it harder for them to argue about things because they have already been given the guidelines on what will be happening.

Visuals: All children benefit from using visuals. If you think about it, adults do too. A lot of us have written to-do lists, calendars on our walls, planners we fill out with things to do. It doesn’t have to be much. A quick stick figure on a whiteboard, a printed-off picture from an internet search, showing your child something on your phone. Visuals help to provide structure for our kids. A great example is a bedtime routine. By laying out the different steps visually (bath, brush teeth, pajamas, read a story, get in bed) you are helping to solidify the routine and expectations you have about what going to bed looks like. This empowers the child because you have now given them all the information they need to be able to follow through with your expectations and complete the steps of the process. You can use this type of tool for anything: a transition from one activity to another, a daily routine, or an activity broken down into steps. Using pictures can be a way to promote follow-through, independence, and task completion. So when in doubt, use pictures!

Timers: 5 minutes or 10 minutes… to a young child, there isn’t much of a difference. Their awareness of time and how quickly (or slowly) it passes, is still a work in progress. Time to use a timer! Timers help to keep kids (and you) on track. For example, “it’s almost time for leave for school. We are going to get shoes on in five minutes. Hey Google, set a timer for five minutes”. When the timer goes off, you can also deflect a bit of the responsibility to the timer “oh the timer says that it’s time to get going! Time to get our shoes on!”

Connection Before & After Correction

So, you’ve been proactive and taught your expectations, you’ve practiced through play, you’ve read stories, but your child still has a meltdown and experiences some big emotions. What gives?

Remember, our children are still learning and need support when life doesn’t go their way. Telling a child that they can't have something they want, or changing up their schedule can be difficult, even when we’ve prepped them to the best of our abilities.

Not to worry, there are ways we can correct our children without being punitive or dismissive. For true behaviour change to occur, we must be responsive to their emotions and teach them appropriate ways to deal with their frustrations. The Connection Cycle focuses on just that- connecting with our children when firm limits need to be set in place. This cycle consists of 4 key parts: communicate comfort, validate, listen, and reflect.

Let’s set the stage. You’re at the park with your child and expressed the expectation- it’s time to go home. You’ve given them warnings, used a visual timer, provided choices... But they’re not budging and becoming upset.

Communicate Comfort: The focus here is on ourselves. When we approach the child, are we tense? Crossing our arms? Using a harsh tone? Our aggressive body language can easily trigger a child. Focus on using a soft tone, getting down to their level, and providing positive touch.
Validate: Here we want to identify and label their emotions. Let them know that you understand their feelings and why they are upset (“I can see you are sad that it’s time to leave. I know you always have so much fun at the park”).
Listen: This can be hard to do, but try to engage in active listening. Try not to challenge their thoughts or provide a lecture. When children feel heard they are less likely to be defensive or combative.
Reflect: By communicating to the child what they have said, it shows that they have your attention and you understand their position.

Using this cycle can significantly reduce meltdowns and tantrums from occurring. But we understand that sometimes parents are tired, are crunched on time, or simply too dysregulated themselves to effectively manage the situation. Sometimes we resort to yelling, threatening, or bribing. The connection cycle can occur after an upset as well. This is also called “repairing” the relationship.

Practice Makes Perfect

All of this information may seem like a lot, but the more you practice, the better you’ll become at handling these tough behaviours. The more we expose our children to these tools and strategies, the better they’ll become at managing their emotions and following through with the expectations. For some children, the process can be quick. But for other children, it can be a long process, filled with trial and error. Try not to feel discouraged. Change is happening, no matter how small.

Final Tips for Success

Be Playful!: Setting limits doesn’t have to be serious all the time. Use humor and be silly while still enforcing the boundary.
Be Predictable!: Predictable expectations and limits can help your child know what to expect. When the rules are consistent, then there are no surprises for them to try and navigate.
Who’s the Boss?: Let the timer say an activity is all done, or allow the schedule to tell them what is next! “I hear the timer beeping. It’s telling us it’s time to leave Lego and come to dinner!”
Feeling Safe: Having an organized and predictable set of expectations helps children to feel safe and cared for. They know what is expected of them.
Choices: Try to give choices during transitions. Always give choices that you are okay saying yes to!
Expectations: Make sure you keep expectations and rules age-appropriate. Don’t expect too much too fast, that may just cause frustration.
Let Them Help: Allow your child to help with the schedule, or let them remind you of the rules. Empowering them will help them to follow through.

KidsConnect Resource Kits

Setting expectations and boundaries is one of our most commonly discussed topics. Parents and educators often struggle with knowing how to implement these strategies or how to create the visuals. With this in mind, we decided to support our families by creating a visuals & limits resource kit so everyone is able to gain these skills. The kit includes a variety of premade visuals (i.e., first-then chart, bedtime routine, daily schedule), stories about bedtime and transitioning activities, a resource page of activities and books, webinars, and explainer videos.

Resource Kits

Bio

Lisa Kaldenbach (top photo) and Ashlee Ellerbruch (bottom photo)

Lisa Kaldenbach and Ashlee Ellerbruch are both registered psychologists who co-founded KidsConnect Psychology. With a combined wealth of experience in a variety of settings, Ashlee and Lisa are passionate about supporting families, educators, and caregivers who are experiencing a variety of challenges through a family-centered, attachment-focused, and play-based lens. KidsConnect Psychology offers a wide range of services that are targeted at supporting children in different environments: parent counselling, daycare/school behavior consults, and supports professional development for educators and assessment services. To help support families in the community, there are a variety of resource kits available to purchase on the website. These kits cover a range of common behavioural challenges and include webinars, tip sheets, social stories, visuals, how-to videos, and more. Check it out at www.kidsconnectpsychology.com or send us an email at info@kidsconnectpsychology.com. Join us on social media KidsConnect Psychology.

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